As far as anyone can tell, this is the most illegal thing one can do in America (subject to change without notice). If you have any ideas for improving the crime, please let me know.
When a black transgendered male IRS agent attempts to collect your Obamacare Shared Responsibility Payment, you lure him to the EPA Superfund site in your back yard where you refuse to check your white privilege or bake him a cake or photograph his upcoming nuptials, and then bludgeon him to death with a plastic grocery bag (from a non-union store) full of 1933 Double Eagle gold coins while denying man-made climate change and reviling him as a cisgendered race-betraying member of the Klan and the heteropatriarchy, after which you remove the “Do Not Remove” tag from a mattress, smoke ceremonial peyote stuffed into an unfiltered Marlboro cigarette* (bought “loose” on a street corner from a Black Lives Matter activist**) and toss a burning match that starts a fire on tribal land, violate an eagle with its own feather, and run over an endangered tree frog and a spotted owl as you escape across your own property (which has been declared a federally-protected wetland and an illegal logging operation) into another state in a Volkswagen diesel 4×4 with non-DOT-approved tires and expired tags and modified emissions software and no smog certificate while drinking from a jug of illegally-collected rainwater, texting on an encrypted iPhone, and speaking out for gun rights in a campus free-speech zone*** and carrying a life-sized picture of a semi-automatic .223 rifle with a flash suppressor and 11-round magazine that has a Romney 2012 sticker on the tactical folding stock, until you finally arrive at your job at Apple where you do not assist the FBI with weakening your own code.
*The second-hand smoke of which causes mesothelioma in an illegal undocumented immigrant who is being deported and separated from her children because you voted for Donald Trump.
**Which causes the homeless vendor to be murdered by the police, making you an accessory after the fact.
***Which causes the Chicano Socialist Students For Aztlán to accuse you of criminal hate speech and civil rights violations with special circumstances for intentional emotional abuse and reimbursement for the Latino safe space.
(I didn’t come up with this by myself, but I can’t reveal my sources – even though I’m not a “journalist” protected by the First Amendment – because they might be prosecuted for hate speech. I’ll take my chances.)