The Non-Exhaustive List of Reasons Dianne Feinstein Feels Sorry for Hillary

The name-calling.

The email intrusion.

The misinterpretation of what she had done with the emails.

Because she was blamed for the unfortunate destruction of 12 phones with a hammer.

The bleachbit that got all over her blue pantsuit.

The exhausting work her housemaid did to print all those top secret documents.

The moral heartache of deciding to print 55,000 pages of email instead of sending a thumb drive to the FBI.

The late nights and weekends her staff worked to make sure every single classified email was immediately sent to the authorities (she even selflessly ordered her Secret Service detail to buy pizza and yoga mats when the going got tough).

The insults hurled at her for her compassion and honesty in communicating with those deplorable Americans.

The insulting Attorney General wouldn’t give Bill a blowjob at the Phoenix airport, even after he asked nicely and reminded her that she wouldn’t be AG if it wasn’t for him.

That she can’t visit her beloved Coney Island because it sounds too much like that traitor’s last name.

Those hussies were paraded in front of her at the debate.

She wasn’t able to scream “go fuck yourselves” to her Secret Service detail as they unceremoniously tossed her unconscious body into a van.

All those countries she visited … and for what?

The selfish John Podesta robbed her of the opportunity to give her concession speech.

The cliff off which Clinton Foundation donations have fallen.

She just can’t open up about the alcohol-fueled fits of rage caused by the unclean Donald Trump because it’s too painful.

People weren’t willing to donate enough money and Jill Stein failed execrably to produce enough recounted votes.

The fact that the Electoral College would even think of voting for someone else.

“She’s exhausted, and who can blame her? America just barely missed having this true leader as their president. It’s shameful,” Feinstein said.


The Car of the Future

So … you won’t be able to actually drive the car of the future, but it will have:

  • Automatic Door Locks
  • Automatic Brakes
  • Automatic Governor
  • Automatic Homing Device
  • Automatic LEO Alert (Stingray optional)
  • Automatic DMV Renewal
  • Automatic Insurance Renewal
  • Automated Clearing House Connectivity
  • Fingerprint reader
  • Retina scanner
  • DNA analyzer
  • Breathalyzer
  • Hate Speech Detector
  • Methane Collector
  • CO2 Scrubber
  • Cell Phone Signal Blocker (unless Stingray option is installed)
  • GPS
  • WiFi
  • RFID
  • Inside/Outside Video Cameras
  • Proximity Alarm
  • Facial Recognition Software
  • Real Time NCIC Search
  • Child Restraint System (for all occupants)
  • Video monitor for continuous loop of glorious revolutionary propaganda films
  • “Fidel is my homie” bumper sticker

A Higher and More Powerful Title

Jimmy Carter had an op-ed in the Wall Street Journal yesterday, in which he extols the virtues of human rights.

Fortunately for all of us, free speech is one of the actual human rights, and state-sponsored “protection” from free speech (aka “hate speech laws”) is not. People like Barack Obama and Jimmy Carter are nothing more than lawfully-elected criminals running a protection racket: we elect them, they promise to “protect” us from “hate speech.”

Neither Carter nor Obama believe the words they speak. If they did, they would stop trying to redefine “citizen” as “undocumented resident.”

Yes, that’s the new phrase for “undocumented immigrant.”

In this civic atmosphere of “no borders” and “sanctuary city” resolutions, it is richly ironic (or, more accurately, cravenly pathetic) that Carter writes this paean to America: “In our democracy, the only title higher and more powerful than that of president is the title of citizen.”

“President” Obama literally tried to end-run the Constitutional rights of citizens with “a pen and a phone” – that, and the power of the Department of Justice.

In contrast, I actually believe that the “higher and more powerful” title is “citizen.” If only Jimmy Carter really believed that.