The Non-Exhaustive List of Reasons Dianne Feinstein Feels Sorry for Hillary

The name-calling.

The email intrusion.

The misinterpretation of what she had done with the emails.

Because she was blamed for the unfortunate destruction of 12 phones with a hammer.

The bleachbit that got all over her blue pantsuit.

The exhausting work her housemaid did to print all those top secret documents.

The moral heartache of deciding to print 55,000 pages of email instead of sending a thumb drive to the FBI.

The late nights and weekends her staff worked to make sure every single classified email was immediately sent to the authorities (she even selflessly ordered her Secret Service detail to buy pizza and yoga mats when the going got tough).

The insults hurled at her for her compassion and honesty in communicating with those deplorable Americans.

The insulting Attorney General wouldn’t give Bill a blowjob at the Phoenix airport, even after he asked nicely and reminded her that she wouldn’t be AG if it wasn’t for him.

That she can’t visit her beloved Coney Island because it sounds too much like that traitor’s last name.

Those hussies were paraded in front of her at the debate.

She wasn’t able to scream “go fuck yourselves” to her Secret Service detail as they unceremoniously tossed her unconscious body into a van.

All those countries she visited … and for what?

The selfish John Podesta robbed her of the opportunity to give her concession speech.

The cliff off which Clinton Foundation donations have fallen.

She just can’t open up about the alcohol-fueled fits of rage caused by the unclean Donald Trump because it’s too painful.

People weren’t willing to donate enough money and Jill Stein failed execrably to produce enough recounted votes.

The fact that the Electoral College would even think of voting for someone else.

“She’s exhausted, and who can blame her? America just barely missed having this true leader as their president. It’s shameful,” Feinstein said.